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2024.4.19 14:00:11
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2004.07.15 (20:18:41)
HOW TO READ THE WANT ADS ======================== With IT salaries rising and jobs begging for applicants, many people are looking at career opportunities and considering employment changes. Yet the plethora of on-line ad copy promoting positions is bewildering in detail and content. To help the potential job-seeker sort out the information and pick up on the nuances of recruiter come-ons, here is a handy dictionary for reading between the lines: A TEAM PLAYER: other people take credit for all your work. SELF-DIRECTED: management is always unavailable in meetings. EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS: you will get blamed for everything, so you need to be good at making excuses. ABLE TO HANDLE MULTIPLE TASKS: you will have to do the work of the three people who quit to accept better offers. SELF-STARTER: everyone else is going to criticize you. GOOD WRITING SKILLS: there will be lots of meaningless paperwork to contend with. OBJECT ORIENTED PROGRAMMER: you might be using a C++ compiler. MCSD/MCSE REQUIRED: taking multiple choice tests is somehow part of the contract deliverable. TWENTY YEARS JAVA EXPERIENCE WANTED: yes, there are ads that ask for things like this--from regimented bureaucracies out of touch with reality. You wouldn't like the pigeonhole even if you had the experience. LEADING EDGE PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT: the company founders are about to sell the vaporware concept, cash out, and leave you to do the actual implementation on your own. GREAT WORK ENVIRONMENT: your cubicle is large enough to fit a guest chair without knocking knees. LEARNING ENVIRONMENT: no one knows what they are doing. FAMILY-ORIENTED COMPANY: they are in violation of the child labor laws. CONTRACT-TO-HIRE: they don't know a good programmer when they see one. PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE: no one will be able to understand or appreciate the quality of work you do, so you will be judged on appearance. CASUAL ATMOSPHERE: upper management won't know you exist, so no one cares how you dress. INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT: you will work with many intellectually challenged people. FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT: the schedules are ridiculously compressed. Make sure you have a list of restaurants that are open late and deliver. FLEXIBLE WORK HOURS: come to work anytime before 8 a.m. and leave anytime after 6 p.m. if your task is on schedule. GREAT BENEFITS: the same HMO you have now, plus all legal holidays are observed. WILLING TO RELOCATE: the company has to recruit out-of-town because there reputation is so bad that no one in their right mind would work there. COMPETITIVE SALARY: if you only worked 40 hours a week; counting mandatory overtime, all bets are off. SALARY REVIEW IN SIX MONTHS: assuming you are dumb enough not to be reviewing it right now. (Try running the above sentence through Microsoft Word's spell checker. You may get a laugh. Really.) REFERENCES REQUIRED: a thief thinks all men steal. On the other hand, I once interviewed for a job vacated by someone arrested for murdering their girlfriend. Wonder what his references said? STOCK OPTIONS: that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee. GREAT 401K PLAN: you are not considered important enough for stock options. GREAT STOCK PURCHASE PLAN: you are not considered important enough for a 401K plan. GREAT EMPLOYEE RECOGNITION PLAN: you _are_ considered to be as important (and intelligent) as a circus animal. OPPORTUNITY FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT: the last person who had the job got a much better position elsewhere after only six months. HIGH-FLYING COMPANY: even the programmers have to worry about the quarterly results. FAST-GROWING COMPANY: expect to be called as a witness in the fraud trial. ON-THE-JOB-TRAINING: no one has pilfered the user's manuals from the lab yet. BRIGHT, MOTIVATED PEOPLE WANTED: bright, motivated people have turned the job down flat, so the position is wide open for anyone that wants it. SALARY HISTORY REQUIRED: they can't afford to pay you what you're worth, so don't bother. TEAM LEAD POSITION: management knows the project is doomed, so now they need a scapegoat. FORMAL METHODOLOGY EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: you will be selling clothes to an emperor. BIG FIVE CONSULTING EXPERIENCE DESIRED: your work will be billed at unimaginable rates, and the client will expect you to perform as though you got a significant fraction of it. PROJECT MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE NECESSARY: everything is out of control and management is clueless as to what the project is even supposed to do. SYSTEM ARCHITECT NEEDED: the original design doesn't work, and even the consultants say it can't be done. DOCUMENTATION EXPERIENCE HELPFUL: everyone who knew anything quit in disgust and nothing is known about the project except the deadline (which is past). OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE INTO MANAGEMENT: this project is so important to some executive's career that if you can pull it off, you will never have to do productive work again. |
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