A collection of jokes  

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I suffer from asthma. Last week in the middle
of an attack I got an obscene phone call.

The guy paused in the middle of it and said,
"Er... Did I call you, or did you call me?"

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While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was
explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the
subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't
understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It
took us awhile to find a new pilot."

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Women...

There is another scam going on out there. You should send this to any
woman you know and care about. I don't normally forward warnings
about scams, but this one looks important.

If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS.

This is a scam. There is NO SURVEY. He is only trying to see your
tits.

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A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming
to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment
14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"

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Dear Stockholder:

Records on file in this office indicate that you hold stock in
the following companies:

        American Can
        Intermountain Natural Gas
        Western Water
        Northern Tissue

In view of the current market conditions, we advise you to sit
tight on your can, hold your water, and let your gas go. Northern
Tissue touched new bottoms today and thousands were wiped clean.

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A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar.
A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K.
The drunk replies by asking, 'Do you know who I am?'
The stranger says 'No. Who are you?'
The drunk proudly says 'I'm Jesus Christ... and I can
prove it! Come with me!'
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and
yells 'Jesus Christ! Are you here again?'

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A very unpopular but powerful lawyer died. Two of his "friends" saw the
obituary notice and decided to go to his funeral. When they arrived, they
found the church very crowded.

"My heavens!" said one. "Look at all these people. How do you explain it?"

"Well," said the other, "Give people what they want and they will all show
up."

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase. He says, 'What are you doing?' She
answers, 'I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes
there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for
free.'
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When
she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm going to
Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year.'

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A Blond walks into a library and goes to the Librarian at the Counter
Blonde:"Yes, I'd like to have a burger and fries.."
Librarian :"Oh, Im sorry miss but, this is a Library.."
The blonde says in a whispering voice:"Oh...I'd like to have a burger
and fries"

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My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

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