A collection of jokes  

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"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess
what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I
ain't interested."

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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut
off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything
to make her think she's welcome."



*********************************



Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish'".



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Q. Why do you have to swallow Viagra fast?
A. If you don't you'll get a stiff neck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an
   atheist?
A. Somebody who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.



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Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer, handing a picture of her to Bill
Clinton asks: "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"
Bill Clinton: "I believe I've come across her face a few
times."



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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
that she should take out life insurance.

"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would
you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a
parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."




***********************************


"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."



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Life is like a fan.
You stand in front...it blows...
You stand behind...It sucks...
and when you stand to the side...it doesn't do anything.