1. Your new titanium driver is slathered with bacon drippings and stick-um.
2. He wipes the mud off your ball with coarse #10 sandpaper.

3. You hear him whisper to another caddy that you're a "major league.." something.
4. He suggests you shorten the hole by teeing off over the snake-infested swampland "unless you're a pussy willow sissy boy." 

5. As you line up your putt, he does shadow puppets on your pants. 
6. He says he'd like to help you read your putts but he's illiterate. 

7. When you sink a birdie putt, he moans "there goes my bet." 
8. During your swing you hear him feverishly talking on his cell phone, but it's only to the time-recording lady.

9. When you ask him where to aim your next shot, he points to his left breast. 
10.He hands you a driver, 9 iron and putter and tells you "meet me on the next hole and don't mess up!"

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